there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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