I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
