I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
my sisters under your porch take her home
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
