drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
