Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
