I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
