Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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