Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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