I'm pants shitting drunk right now
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Randomize
