I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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