two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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