I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
