i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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