Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
