Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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