you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
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