yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
