Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
