I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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