she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
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