i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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