you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
