Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
