So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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