Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
