Swine flu. Run for my life!
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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