Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures

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(813): View more from Florida

His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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(914): View more from New York

Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos

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(859): View more from Kentucky

she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?

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(408): View more from California

Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos

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(720): View more from Colorado

So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.

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(440): View more from Ohio

For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.

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