we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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