I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Even the bartender felt bad for me
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
