it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
