is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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