I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
