I'm so fucking centered right now
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Randomize
