i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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