Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
