The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
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