When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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