Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
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