You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
