Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
