so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
