We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
