How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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