im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
