tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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