It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Randomize
