I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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