You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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