im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
