We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
