I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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