I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
