Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
