he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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