When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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